a surge

3/19
though i'm on vacation, i was a bit perturbed at sleeping until 9:30am, but later when simon informed me that we were up until 3am, i felt much better. gosh, 3am? i cant remember the last time i made it up that late. going out to the clubs and biking home here in perth was almost that close, but friends at home can attest to the fact i'm first to bed, last one up usually!

i got to the beach and attemtped to change into my bathers (adapting aussie phrase) when to my horror i discover they arentin my backpack. i play over in my head and i swear i put then in my bag earlier this morning. i laugh to myself and think "of course they're in there". (i have a tendency to panic unwarrantedly). but, they arent in there. its as if a tidal wave of emotion catches me by surprise as i walk in a daze out of the restrooms. on a "normal" day, (if one exists) i might laugh or shrug it off, but the lingering conflict between simon and i is clouding my judgement. what i learned in therapy (gasp) is that i hear things that arent said when people give me feedback/criticism. no, its not voices in my head, its the perfectionist in me placing expectations on myself. so last night i heard simon say "i dont like you" and "you're a bad person", neither of which is true. at least now i'm aware its happening (as silly as it is) and i can battle the tendency to take it to heart. so as i'm doing this,the tsunami of realization hits that i dont know where my bathers are, and why is this happening to me? why me? how could you do such a stupid thing? all this self doubt and deprecation lambastes me. but, instead of the billow crashing down and ruining me, i change the outcome and ride it. thats right. oh look, there's a big wave, here it comes, hold your breath, CRASH its here, open my eyes, im still alive, ha ha ha wasnt that fun. did you see that? and i think, "hey man, thats cool".and i laugh at myself. i went from the verge of a mini breakdown to a comical realization. as if i was going to get upset about something so trivial! i dont even know where my suit is. maybe its in my room. maybe its at the train station where i took some contents out of my pack to get to my books. but who cares? i'm in western australia. the sun is shining. i have my health. my loved ones have thier health. i'm not a bad person! i did a silly thing. so what, i misplaced my bathers. most importantly, i have my sanity (you're thinking not after reading this entry)

i stay at the beach anyway. i dont have a swim. my day is not tarnished, and i enjoy the now. it didnt live up to my expectations of what i'd planned, but it was still special. how many of us can learn from this lesson! i start my walk back to the train station when i spot simon in his parked car. i suppose its not that much of a coincidence, but i found it a bit strange that i'd run into him in a city with more of a population than the state of maine! he's headed off to run errands and i accept his offer to accompany him. riding a bike around the city may not be my cup of tea, but being the passenger in a car for a tour of the outskirts of town is pleasureable for me. (although he thinks i'm crazy for wanting to) Ikea is a fun place to browse, after all we dont have that in maine, and i get all excited all over again about furnishing my new apartment. i'll save the purchases for when i get home. i find a shirt for AU$.50 at the GOOD SAMMY thrift store. and we get a chance to debrief about our conversation last night. at the conclusion, i'm not feeling like i'm overstaying my welcome anymore, and i think simon is pleased that his chat was well-received.

we get home in time to quickly change and head to his brother Chris's. have i mentioned that simon has 5 siblings? because lisa lives in england and johno is MIA, this completes the mission of meeeting his family (his mum is a whole other story). chris and debbie are as welcoming as the rest of the family has been, and Debbie cooks the most delicious indian cuisine. thier 18 month old baby is the main event, but first simon and i have a dip in their pool to cool off. debbie's 3 children from a previous marraiage are a focus of my gaze. you'll see in the photos they are beautiful people (maine doesnt get enough diversity). i regretfully inform simon on the way home that i didnt feel i gave them the energy and attention that i had when i met the other members of his family and he admitted he as well was tired. we were glad we had a chance to spend some quality time with them. they really are such soft, genuine, welcoming people. they represent australians well!