warren national park

3/8 today we had a late breakfast (cooking for 8 does that) and the kids played while simon, lisa, and i chatted about dangers in respective countries. i've been freaked out totally and envisioned snakes slithering into my tent while i'm sleeping. they arent hunters and just want to keep out of my way. simon's fact there are 22 of the worlds 25 deadliest snakes here in australia doesnt help calm my nerves! i really appreciate maine for its relatively low hazards. they found stories of getting sprayed by skunks amusing. and i resisted tempation to really play up moose attacking us like bulls. :) the risk of driving in inclement weather and the possibility of crashing into animals seems minimal to whats happening here (bush fires, sharks, snakes) so remind me of that next time you hear me complain about snow/ice!

after our comparisons, we headed to the beach and then parted ways to come to this pristine spot that we visited before for two, maybe 3 nights camping. i've been spoiled by running water, electricity, and campers kitchens, none of that going on here! we dont even have neighbors!

at a camping spot in warren national park. the buzzing of the flies distracts me from the journalling or writing a letter. its forefront in my thoughts and when i try to ignore it, it still permeates my surroundings. how do horses/cows survive? some are the biting type, some are like house flies. so not only is there the threat of being targeted as a snack, but also the constant sound of insects cannot be ignored. its frustrating that i cant control my annoyance, but i'm trying to just be aware of the sensations without placing emotion (like frustrated and annoyed)

in the blessed moments the flies have disappeared, the serenity of the setting becomes illuminated. (does that term refer only to light/color?) the chirping birds, the occasional splash in the river, the bubbling water running over the rocks upstream soothes and calms me. simon's napping in his tent and i fight the sleepy feeling so i can slumber deeply throughout the night. see, i'm afraid of the dark. i'm afraid of the snakes lurking in the bush, i'm afraid of so many things! feedback i've received over the years (most of it from you blog readers) is that i convey myself to be confident, adventurous, and brave. i suppose even i cant deny that my life experience resume speaks to that theory. yeet, there are fears and anxieties that keep me from doing things. specifically on this trip: snakes keep me from hiking and exploring, leeches keep me from enjoying a dip in the river to cool off, lack of confidence keeps me from revelling in the chance to drive on the "wrong" side of the road, worry of being a bad chef keeps me from accepting the duty of cooking, the dark keeps me from going to the toilet at night. there are much more fears relevant to more important things: like getting my heart broken again (relationships), failure (resisting going into teaching as a career) and so on. we ALL have fears. i get that. i suppose it is the perfectionist in me taht wont allow faults or flaws. i dont place judgement on others for letting those types of fears hinder them, in fact, it rather endears me to you! yet, it must be what keeps me from seeing what you see in me. i feel like a wimp for not exploring more on foot, like a jerk for being annoyed that simon cant let a whole album play through (instead of fumbling with the music every other song) and a brat for being bitter about having to drive half the trip. so, i dont see that i'm adventurous (why cant i be more like him/her) or brave (so and so would do that no problem) or confident (how's my blog proof for that!). i want to be those things. i want to exonerate those characteristics.

i talked this all over with simon, and shared how i came up with the solution to start comparing myself to other people who are "less" adventurous, brave, etc. perhaps i'm just out of my league and need to think of it a bit differently. i know telling myself not to compare at all is not realistic. its so hard to gain a self concept without comparing and getting a feel for where one stands in life. however, simon had very good advice. instead of focusing on the characteristics i'm "lacking", how about looking at those people as a whole? we all have strenghts and weaknesses. we all are great at some things, and not at others. aha! that works for me. i do have other things that stand out. its my own sickness (i call it that but should be nicer about it) to see life that way. its a bad habit i want to change. i'd love to be the person you all think i am. i dont want to be on a pedestal or fake. i think this blog has proved that. but, i would rather see myself for the amazing person that i am, rather than from the point of view of what i'm not. baby steps. being aware. keep at it!